I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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