You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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