i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
