i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
