Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
