You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
