You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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