I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
