I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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