I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
