I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
