this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line