My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.