WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
