matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
