If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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