Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
