Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
