In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
