I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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