my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
