Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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