Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
