Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
