I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
