my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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