You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Gay?
German.
Pity.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
