Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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