just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
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i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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