I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
