Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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