goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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