I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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