She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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