My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
