I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
zippers are such a cool invention
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
