I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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