Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
