My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize