I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
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I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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