Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
