omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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