On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize