can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
