An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
