dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
