he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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