just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
