I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
