even my farts smell like vagina
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
