I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
