I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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