I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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