YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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