At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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