oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i love accidental penises.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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