thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Im part way to drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
