you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
