You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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