goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
