"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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