Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
